


What Dean Has To Say

by alsaurusrex



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Flirting, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Fix-It, Fluff, Getting Together, Introspective Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode AU: s15e18 Despair, Post-Season/Series 15, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29367138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alsaurusrex/pseuds/alsaurusrex
Summary: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of Cas’s own actions.Dean has saved Cas from the Empty. Now there’s just the matter of that confession hanging between them. Big deal. Dean is totally handling it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 40
Kudos: 304





	1. Chapter 1

When Cas comes back, he disappears.

He’s supposedly still in the bunker. According to Sam, he doesn’t seem to have left the building at all since he arrived. 

Dean wouldn’t know, because Cas is avoiding him.

It’s the only explanation. Why else would it be impossible to find his best friend even though they’re under the same roof 24/7? Not that Dean has really gone looking for him, but still. They haven’t crossed paths once since Cas got back three days ago. This wouldn’t be so weird on its own (yes it would), except Sam sees Cas all the time. So what gives?

Dean knows what gives, but at the same time? He doesn’t really. Cas is obviously reluctant to talk to Dean after what he’d said to trigger his deal with the Empty. He’d said all that under the assumption that he’d never have to face a response. Dean understands. He would definitely feel the same if he were in that position. But Cas? Cas is the bravest, purest, and most sincere person that Dean has ever met. How could someone like that be afraid to talk to someone like Dean? 

This isn’t how Dean had expected this to go. 

He’d wanted Cas back more than anything he’s ever wanted in his life. He’d never felt joy the way he felt when he saw Cas out of the Empty, back in the bunker where he belonged. Dean knew he needed to be with Cas, that Cas was it for him. 

But he’d also kind of assumed that Cas would take the lead, here. Cas, who was so straightforward and free of human insecurities, would be the one to bring it up - if only just to assure Dean that nothing had to change. Then Dean would have the perfect opening to tell him he felt the same. If words failed him in that moment, Dean was also prepared to let his body do some of the talking.

Dean had not imagined that Cas would just straight-up hide from him for days on end. It’s frustrating, but also a little endearing.

Okay, it’s a lot endearing. Very endearing. Some might even say it’s adorable. Not Dean, though. Sure, Cas is so flustered at the idea of talking to Dean about his feelings that he literally won’t show his stupid angel face - so what? What’s even cute about that?

Anyway.

Dean is starting to get antsy about the whole thing. He’s not exactly anxious, but he’s so amped up that his body interprets it as anxiety. He had to cut down on the caffeine because he’d started to feel like he was vibrating out of his skin. For someone Dean never sees, Cas sure does occupy a whole lot of space in Dean’s head most of the time. He finds it difficult to really focus on anything else, so he’s watched a LOT of movies the past few days - just zoning out with only half his attention on the screen. 

“Why are you sitting here in the dark by yourself?” Sam asks from the doorway, making Dean jolt in surprise. 

Dean hadn’t realized he’d turned the TV off after Dirty Dancing had ended. He really is just sitting in the Dean Cave, in the dark, by himself. Awesome.

“What‘s it to you? And who am I supposed to be sitting with, anyway? Not like Cas wants anything to do with me,” Dean grumbles. Laying it on just a little thick, since he knows better than Sam why Cas isn’t here.

“What is up with you two, anyway?” Sam asks, and it’s obvious that he’s been waiting for the opportunity to do so. He flips the light switch and comes to sit in the other chair. He’s perched on the edge of it, leaning towards Dean as if to signify how very important he finds this conversation. How he’s not going to let Dean out of it.

Fine.

“Cas is just being a baby. He thinks he can just confess his undying love for me and peace out, and then once I rescue his ass he can just avoid dealing with the whole thing,” Dean starts. Then he finds he doesn’t want to stop, despite Sam’s eyes going wide in shock. “Seriously, man, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Like how long am I supposed to wait? We should have spent these whole three days in bed doing all kinds of freaky shit - but look at me, Sam! I’m sitting alone in the dark without even realizing it because the dude lives rent free in my freakin’ head!” 

“Umm,” Sam says.

“I get that he’s nervous, but so am I! I mean, he’s the one whose cards are already on the table. I’m the one who has shit to say! I don’t even know if I’ll be able to say it, but I’ll never find out if I never even see the guy!” 

“Okay, hold on. Just a minute. You’re saying that Cas told you...?” 

“Yeah.”

“That he - “

“Yep.”

“And you want to say it back.”

“Sure. If you wanna call it that.”

“Come on, Dean.”

“I mean yeah, Sam, what do you want me to say? I have no idea how it’ll go down. I still haven’t seen him since we got him back.”

Sam starts to smile, and Dean doesn’t like the look of that. 

“So what, he’s avoiding you because he’s scared of what you’ll say?” Sam asks.

Dean shrugs. 

“I guess. Why else would he avoid me and not you?”

Sam’s smile grows as he sits back in the chair, settling in. He watches Dean for a few moments, eyes twinkling like he’s about to say something really stupid. Why did Dean think that opening up about this would be a good idea?

“That’s actually kind of cute,” Sam says.

Dean rolls his eyes so hard he has to throw his head against the back of the chair. 

“Don’t you start with that!” Dean groans. “It’s not cute, it’s annoying. It’s cowardice, is what it is!” 

“Have you tried to find him?” Sam asks. The smirk on his face tells Dean he knows the answer but is asking just to be a little bitch.

“Shut up. Why does it have to be me, huh? Why do I have to be the one to bring it up?”

“I didn’t say you had to bring anything up. I just mean have you tried to talk to him at ALL? You say you haven’t seen him, but have you looked for him?”

Dean has not. But - 

“I already looked for him, in the Empty! And I pulled him out. It was a whole thing! I think the ball’s in his court now.”

“Dean, think about it. You have a lot more experience with this kind of thing than he does,” Sam reasons. 

It’s true. But at the same time -

“I have never experienced anything like this. Ever. Especially not with a dude,” Dean says. He feels out of his element, too. That’s why Cas was supposed to take charge! (Dean knows that doesn’t make sense, and he doesn’t care).

The smile on Sam’s face turns gentler, any trace of teasing disappearing.

“I’m surprised you’re even telling me all this,” Sam says.

“Sam, come on,” Dean protests, because he really doesn’t want to get into it.

“No, really! In the past you’ve been… very adamant about being straight.” Too adamant, is what Sam means. He’s not wrong.

“What’s your point?” Dean asks.

“I’m just glad this is happening, I guess.”

Dean can’t help but melt a little at that sentiment. Inwardly. On the outside, he’s still trying to act put out, but the longer he sits there trying not to confide in Sam, the stronger the pull to do so becomes. Like being caught in a wave, Dean finally lets it pour through him. 

“It’s Cas. You know? It’s Cas. I spent too long worrying about all that. I’ve lost him too many times, Sam. I can’t really care about all that stuff anymore. So I just want him to know, you know? I don’t want my crap to keep Cas from getting what he wants. He deserves to get everything he wants. He can have it. I want him to have it. And I want him to know that.” Dean stops. Takes a deep breath, because that was a lot. Then he wraps it up. “And that means you’re gonna have to know at some point anyway, so. There you go.”

Sam looks shocked again, but in a totally different way that Dean doesn’t recognize at all. Which makes sense, considering this is the first time Dean’s ever admitted to having gay feelings for an angel of the Lord. It’s an unusual situation.

“That’s amazing, Dean. Seriously. I’m really, really happy for you,” Sam finally says. 

Dean can tell he means it. He’s actually not sure he’s ever seen Sam so sincerely pleased. But Dean frowns at that last sentence.

“I don’t know what you have to be happy about just yet. Dude won’t even talk to me.”

“You said yourself that you haven’t even tried!”

“Yeah but I can take a hint, man. He doesn’t want to see me. Otherwise he’d have seen me.”

And it boils down to that, Dean realizes. Because while he understands that Cas is reluctant because he’s afraid, Dean is also hurt. It’s irrational, but he wants Cas’ love for him to be stronger than that fear. He aches for Cas every moment of every day and every night. He’s barely functioning because he feels like his entire existence is on pause - he hadn’t expected to be in this prolonged state of limbo. He’d been ready for Cas. But it turns out he’d been ready for a different Cas, one he’d thought up in his head - because the real Cas, the Cas he loves, is too afraid to face him and Dean has no idea how long that’ll last. He has no idea when or even if Cas will come to him. Every moment that passes could be the moment before Cas finally talks to him. It’s agony. It’s wonderful.

But he meant it when he said that Cas deserves everything he wants. So why should Cas have to seek it out, when Dean could just give it to him?

“I need to find him, huh,” Dean says, and it’s not a question. 

“Yeah, man. You should do that,” Sam agrees. There isn’t an ounce of admonishment in his voice. He’s just supporting Dean, and for once, Dean is grateful.

“Thanks, Sammy,” he says.

Time to find the angel.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean finds Cas in his room. The door isn’t even all the way shut. He suddenly realizes how accessible Cas has been this entire time, and he feels like an asshole for staying away for so long. 

Cas is sitting on his bed, upright against the headboard with a book in his lap that he’d apparently been reading. But his eyes are already trained on Dean as if he’d heard him coming and had been staring at the door to see if he’d come in.

He must not have really expected Dean to push the door open, because his eyes go wide in panic. 

“Dean,” Cas says. It’s a greeting, a protest, and a supplication all at once.

That familiar voice washes over Dean and he has to close his eyes for a second to keep them from misting up. He hadn’t truly realized how much better he’d feel with Cas there in front of him again. Alive. Perfect.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says. 

There’s a weird thing going on in his body, like he’s being pulled towards Cas but also wants to bolt. He wants to deal with this, and he simultaneously doesn’t ever want to deal with it. But he knows now which side he needs to be on, so. Onward it is.

“Can I come in?” he asks. He wants to make it definitive: he’s here on purpose. 

“Of course,” Cas says. 

Dean steps into the room and stops. He stares at Cas. Cas stares back. 

Yeah. Dean hadn’t really planned this out, like at all. Okay, well. First thing’s first.

He shuts the door behind him, and it closes with a click that sounds much louder than usual. Cas glances quickly at the door and then back at Dean. Then back at the door. Then back at Dean. Then he seems to collect himself and gives Dean a slight smile.

“What can I do for you, Dean?” Cas asks. 

Dean legit wants to cry at the implication that he’d only seek Cas out if he needed something from him. His resolve to have this conversation strengthens, because that’s messed up. He messed up with Cas, over and over. Time and again he’s failed to let Cas know how much he’s valued. How can he even begin to fix that?

“I just wanted to see you,” Dean says, because he has to start somewhere. 

“Oh,” Cas says. He lowers his gaze to the book on his lap. 

Dean has never seen Cas like this. Quiet, unsure. It really is adorable, dammit. But it does give Dean a bit more confidence than he’d had before. 

“Can I sit with you?” he asks. 

Cas lowers his gaze even further, but he nods. 

Dean considers where to sit. It’d make most sense to sit on the edge of the bed near Cas’ feet, but he’s feeling brave. Instead he walks around to the other side of the bed. 

“This okay?” he checks, gesturing to the space next to Cas.

Cas looks up at Dean, and Dean can tell he’s trying his best to keep his expression neutral. It almost works, if not for the way he chews on his bottom lip before answering.

“Of course,” Cas says. 

Dean toes off his slippers and climbs onto the bed, sitting beside Cas and mirroring his position. He realizes immediately that he’s miscalculated, because now they’re both facing forward and he’d have to turn his head to look at Cas. Whatever, at least he made it here. 

This reminds him of what they used to do before he set up the Dean Cave. Sit next to each other on the bed, legs outstretched, a laptop set between them, watching all the movies Dean wanted to introduce to Cas. All those little parts of himself that he wanted Cas to know about. 

Dean closes his eyes, and for a moment he feels like he used to feel back then. Giddy at the proximity, but ultimately frustrated with himself and his life. Because he’d thought this was the closest he could ever get to Cas. 

When he opens his eyes, Dean is back in the present. And goddamn is he glad to be here. 

“I’m really happy you’re home, man,” Dean says.

From the corner of his eye, Dean can see Cas turning to look at him. Dean doesn’t look back because he needs to keep talking and it’s easier this way.

“Huge understatement, actually. I don’t even - I - I can’t - “ Dean takes a breath and starts over. Decides to start simple. “I don’t want to live without you.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath beside him, followed by an equally sharp pang of joy inside of Dean at eliciting it. It morphs into feeling like a case of the butterflies ramped up to eleven. He wants more of that.

“I’m serious, man. I won’t ever be okay if you’re not with me, that’s just how it is,” Dean continues. “And it’s seriously, seriously awesome to have you back here. But I’ve - you know - I’ve missed you these past few days.” 

“I’m right here, Dean,” Cas says. 

“Yeah but I haven’t seen you around, you know? And I get it,” Dean says, holding up a hand before Cas can argue. “I get it. I haven’t exactly been all up your face, either. But you know I’ve actually been waiting for you?”

“What?”

“Yeah, I figured you’d track me down first thing. And then you didn’t. But I didn’t either, so. Now I’m here.” Dean is losing his train of thought; he can feel Cas watching him so intently it’s almost a physical sensation. 

“Now you’re here,” Cas agrees with a hint of awe and an equal amount of bewilderment. 

“Right. So, I just, you know.” Dean clears his throat, looks down at his hands where he’s picking at a fingernail. “I figured we should probably talk.”

There’s an audible gulp beside him, and there, that’s the spot. Dean feels that squirming happy feeling in his gut again, the one that apparently comes from getting a reaction out of Cas. He’s emboldened anew, and looks to his right to see that Cas is now looking down at his own hands. 

“Hey man, look at me,” Dean says quietly. 

Cas doesn’t look at him.

“Dean - “ he starts, and the distress in his voice grips Dean tightly around the heart. 

This isn’t gonna give Dean the squirmy happy feeling, so he decides to try something else. It’s a bit of a leap of faith, but at least it’s familiar territory for him.

“Okay, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to,” Dean interrupts. He settles back against the headboard and stretches his legs a bit. Then he approaches the edge of the cliff. “It’s okay. I just like looking at you. Bonus if you’re looking back at me.”

Cas is suddenly still as a statue. 

“You used to think it was creepy, the way I looked at you,” Cas says. Dean can’t place his tone of voice, but he’s definitely not angry. 

“No, that was the way you watched me while I was sleeping,” Dean reminds him, and then smiles at the perfect opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t mind if you did that now, though. Not even a little bit.” 

“Is that so?” Cas asks. 

Dean can practically hear Cas thinking ‘stay cool, keep it together’ in a loop in his head. That won’t do. Dean has to jump now. 

“Yeah, you can do whatever you want with me in bed, actually,” he says, letting his voice go deeper.

The response is instantaneous and extreme: Cas jumps off the bed faster than is humanly possible and starts pacing around the other side of the room. Dean watches this for a few moments as he basks in the glow of such an intense reaction. He wonders when he should interrupt, but then Cas sits back down as quickly as he’d gotten up. Dean waits as he settles in.

“Do you mean that?” Cas finally asks, his voice quieter than it’s ever been. He is - honest to god - actually wringing his hands. 

Dean’s heart soars. He’s so glad he decided to finally do this.

“Well I dunno what kind of stuff you’re into, Cas, but I think I’ll try anything once. For you, I mean. Easy,” Dean says, trying to sound nonchalant.

It comes out sounding eager. Which is… okay. His eagerness isn’t something he actually wants to hide from Cas, so he resists the urge to back it up or cover it with a joke. It’s just weird hearing himself talk to Cas like that. He wants to get used to it, though.

He’s back to staring straight ahead of him, and he can tell that Cas is doing the same. That’s fine. They can do this their way; there’s no one here to judge them. 

“Tell me we’re on the same page here, man. That this is what you meant when you said you couldn’t have what you wanted,” Dean says once the silence drags on too long.

“Dean, that wasn’t really about sex. Not that I don’t want to, but… It’s much more than that. And I don’t want you trying to be intimate with me just because you think it’s what I want.” 

Okay so they’re almost on the same page. Getting there. Dean can close the gap. He takes a deep breath before he goes for it.

“No - I just - I wanted to make sure I wasn’t crossing a line,” Dean says. “I know it’s about more than that. You want -”

“All of you,” Cas interjects. 

Dean swallows the joyous moan that arises at those words.

“Yeah. Yeah. I want that too, Cas,” he says instead. He hopes his voice conveys how deeply he wants that.

It seems to, because Cas is staring at him unabashedly now. It reminds Dean of when they first met, how Cas would lean in close and stare right through his eyes and into his soul. 

“And I never thought I could have it, either,” Dean continues, and it feels like the words are being pulled out of him before he can consider them. “I didn’t even think you could have feelings like that.”

“Well, I can and I do,” Cas says somewhat irritatedly. 

And it’s just so… Cas. Dean covers his face with both hands to hide his grin. It’s almost unbearable how much he loves this guy. He can’t believe he spent so long trying not to think about it. He can’t understand how he had even been able to avoid it. Cas is a burning star beside him, a celestial being of immense love and power. His pull feels inescapable.

“I get that now,” Dean says once he’s able to school his expression into something slightly less exuberant. “Don’t get so grouchy about it, I’m trying to have a moment with you, here.” 

“Is that what this is?” Cas asks, because he’s a smartass who’s apparently found his footing in the conversation now. 

“I said I was trying!” Dean laughs. “What, am I not sweeping you off your feet? You want flowers?”

“That would have been helpful before jumping straight into telling me to have my way with you.”

“Like you don’t want to!”

“Oh, I do. And I will.”

Dean’s brain shorts out at that one. He, uh. Yeah. Well. Okay. 

“What?” Cas asks, biting back a smile.

“I liked this conversation better when I had the upper hand,” Dean says.

“Really?” The tone of Cas’ voice makes Dean turn to look at him, which is a mistake because he’s got an eyebrow raised and he’s pinning Dean with a shrewd look. “You’ve always struck me as more the submissive type.”

Uh. Well. That’s - that happened. This is happening. Cool.

“Uh, okay, um. Yeah. Right. Huh,” is all Dean can even say. How did he get here? Is this real life? 

Cas laughs. It sounds beautiful. He looks beautiful too, and Dean can’t take his eyes off him. 

“We can worry about that later,” Cas says, a warm smile on his face. “I love you, Dean.” 

And there’s only one thing Dean can say to that.

“Me too, Cas.”


End file.
